By Linda Stade
When a middle school friendship group turns toxic, it can be brutal. Good kids can behave badly. Drama bubbles just below the surface and it erupts sporadically. The whole thing runs on gossip and cruel behaviour, and social media becomes weaponised.
Kids are trying to get their emotional needs met, but they’re doing it in unskilled, unhealthy ways. Consequently, nobody is happy, they’re distracted, and very little learning is going on.
On some level, kids who are part of these groups know they would be better off walking away and making new friends. However, the reality of moving on can be difficult.
Why are some adolescent friendships so toxic?
Middle school kids are still learning about relationships outside of the home. In their families, they may demonstrate empathy, inclusion, and kindness, but at school, these qualities may give way to the very strong drive to fit in with peers.
At this stage, our young ones see friendship as a hierarchy. They can tell you in unnerving detail where they fit, and who they are above and below in the pecking order. They are highly conscious of their status and the power that comes with status.
Kristina Morgan is the lead clinical psychologist at Lourdes Hill College. She believes teenagers pay a great cost for thinking and acting as though friendship is a hierarchy.
She says, “True friendship is a flat playing field. Everyone gets to play their position and has equal value and worth on the field.”
As the teenage brain develops, their interpersonal skills expand, and their values become clearer. Then they understand how special friendship is and that it isn’t about status.
Kristina advises that “If your child is volleying for social position in high school, is scared of losing their social position, or you can see they are trying to surpass others to take their ‘status’, then know the pull of this is unhealthy. The thrill of increasing social position is temporary.”
Guide them towards finding healthy, supportive friendships that are an equal playing field. This allows them to be happy and comfortable at school so they can thrive emotionally and academically.
When should a child change friendship groups?
A child should change social groups:
1. When they start to feel not good enough
Kristina says, “Your child should move away, or lessen the intensity of friendships when there is a pattern of behaviour that makes your child question if they are good enough”. This behaviour might look like gossip, belittling or being deliberately excluded from activities or communications.
2. When the group doesn’t feel safe
A friendship group that sucks the joy out of your child’s life and makes them anxious is not the friendship group for them. These groups tend to have a leader, rules, fear, and no recognition of individuality.
3. When the things that make them happy are rejected
Kristina says, “Your child should not give up activities and interests that make their heart smile because they aren’t the interests of the popular group.”
Are we part of the problem?
As a parent, be aware of your input and investment in your child’s friendships. Are you encouraging them to stay in a friendship or friendship group that isn’t good for them? This might be because you want them to be nice or popular.
Kids don’t have to stay in friendships where they are not happy just to be nice. When we encourage kids to stay with friends who don’t show them authentic respect and affection, we are setting them up for adult relationships where they feel they should stay, regardless of how they are being treated. Your child can be kind and still have relationship boundaries.
Encourage kids to trust their gut. If a friendship feels bad, they should walk away. We never want their sense of duty to override their gut instinct.
Another complex dynamic is when parents of friends have become friends too. Some parents don’t want their kids’ friendship to end because it would impact their own relationship. I’m sure they don’t deliberately put their needs ahead of their child’s, they just haven’t thought it through.
Finally, there is a growing trend of parenting experts telling kids that if they are having problems in their friendship group, then they should make the group bigger by inviting others in. The theory is that more people will dilute the problem and avoid anyone being left out.
Kristina Morgan disagrees. She says, “In high school, everyone has different levels of relationship skills. In that context, more unskilled people in a group don’t dilute tensions, they increase the likelihood of problems and power struggles."
What stops kids from changing groups?
Sometimes kids are loathe to leave a friendship group because they are scared nobody else will take them. Trying to move could end up being social suicide. Better the devil they know…
Others know that while in the toxic group, they have been unkind to others who weren’t in their group. They know that those they’ve squashed in the past, won’t want to hang out with them. Other groups are likely to close ranks and they could end up alone.
Another obstacle is that those in the toxic group may actively interfere with members leaving. They will confront them and make them feel disloyal or mean. This could be motivated by:
genuine fear of being left with nobody, or
a perceived loss of power by the toxic group’s main controllers.
Finally, some kids just lack the skills to join new social circles. They will need to initiate new friendships, and this could feel beyond them.
Advice you can give to your child for changing friendship groups…
You deserve friends who treat you with kindness, and respect. They should have your back. You deserve to be around people who make you feel good about yourself.
Our friendships change just like we do. Move amongst many friendship groups, it’s healthy.
Be open to new friends outside of school. It is wonderful to have friends you meet at clubs, in the neighbourhood, on holiday, etc. It’s a case of, ‘don’t put all your eggs in one basket’.
Walk away or lessen the intensity of the friendship if you are in a toxic situation. There doesn’t have to be a storm out or a fight. You can quietly walk away with grace. You can truthfully say what you’re doing and drift away: "I’m studying in the library at lunchtime" "I’m going to netball on Saturday and then spending time with my family" "I’ll be busy with co-curricular service after school"
When you leave a friendship or friendship group feelings will probably be hurt, and you need to be kind and empathetic. However, just because someone is upset about your decision doesn’t mean you have to change it. If group members act in a vengeful way, they have proven they are not real friends.
Be aware that any drama caused by leaving a friendship group will not last forever. The cyclone of drama will hit someone new sooner than you’d expect.
Final thought…
Adolescence is hard. It is all change, all the time. It is puberty, it is starting high school, it is hormones and big emotions. It is awkward and confronting.
What our kids do not need is toxic, mean behaviour from their so-called friends. If a friendship or friendship group is sucking joy instead of adding it, our kids need to trust themselves and walk away. It’s our job to help them.